How did the first lesbians happen? Good question, and you asked the right man: the first lesbians happened in cavemen times, after all the cavemen got mauled to death by a mammoth. “Hey,” the cavegirl said, leaning her arm on the side of her friend’s cave. “Hey. So, ah… hmm. How to say this? I’m feeling pretty horned up. Feeling pretty horno.”
"Ha ha, right?" her friend said. "Like: yeah."
"So I was thinking…" — she did a kind of pointing motion with both of her hands — "… you know maybe you and me, do it."
"How would we—?"
"You know scissoring, or something. I’ve not really thought about it. Or some basic digital insertion. Something like that. I’ve not really thought about it."
"Like I, like, sit on your—?" but it was too late, because she had taken the bone out of her hair and shaken it loose, and she had taken her lionskin toga off, and she had kind of pinned her down and was clambering crotch-first over her face. "I can’t get the—" she said, muffled somewhat, yelps of pleasure echoing around the cave. "I can’t get the angles right!"
"TURN YOUR HIPS!" she shouted. "TURN THEM! YOU’RE ON MY NOSE!"
So anyway yeah after 20 minutes of that they were basically spent and if not that then both their knees were tired, so they stopped. “So, uh,” she said. “Yeah.”
"Okay." And so they had the first ever post-scissoring conversation, their mouths still coppery and salty, their words more like nervous laughs.
"So you uh… you wanna meet up this week? My friend’s got this DJ night?"
"Oh yeah I can’t I’m busy Thursday."
“It’s on Friday.”
"Yeah I’m busy Friday too."
Then they were attacked and killed by a sabre-toothed tiger the end.
Every time I see Elizabeth i’s signature I get absurdly happy cause I just imagine her signing her name and doing a little twirly and then pausing and then adding a few more twirlies
“your majesty perhaps thats enough twirls” suggests William Cecil
“perhaps Im the motherfuckin queen” suggests elizabeth and adds 6 more
Tumblr user fa-grayce asked on The Musketeers tag what would be appropriate for our musketeers to eat, and I happen to have a lot of feelings about 17th century French cuisine (about food in general, but 17th century French cuisine in particular, because Cyrano de Bergerac is one of my favourite plays ever and act II opens basically with food porn for no reason and it’s awesome).
17th century is precisely the time where French cuisine come out of the Middle Ages; it’s a time of new techniques, new products, and general innovations. 17th century is the “Grand Siècle”, the Great Century, and obviously it called for a Grande Cuisine too because hey, THIS. IS. FRAAAAANCE!!!! Before that time, there was virtually no cookbook published for centuries, and in that century one of the first great French cooks called La Varenne published “Le Cuisinier François” (“the French cook”) which became a best-seller (and which kept being re-printed until 1815!). It’s the very first cookbook that details rules and principles of cooking.
A REVOLUTION FROM MEDIEVAL (AND RENAISSANCE) CUISINE
To understand 17th century French cuisine, you have to understand how it’s different from medieval cuisine first.
Medieval cuisine used lots of spices (in the nobility, mainly, but not in order to mask the dubious freshness of the meat like many people seem to think — in fact meat in the Middle Ages arrived probably fresher in the kitchen than it does today; but because spices were expensive, and it showed you had a lot of money. Also spices were believed (turned out to be true) to have curative properties. Medieval cuisine is also loaded with sugar and honey, or sweet and sour taste; 17th century is where savoury makes a big come back and it’s what cooks would call a “return to the product”, where you don’t try to mask its flavour with other stuff so much. Medieval cuisine hid the taste of the ingredients, 17th century (supposedly, at least it’s the theory behind it) puts it forward and the visual quality of the dishes improve a lot too. Sugar is reserved for desserts from then on (see: cakes, at the end of this article). I’m a great fan of Chinese cuisine and I enjoy a lot of different styles of cuisine from all over the world, so it’s funny to me how French cuisine is still kind of allergic to sweet and sour taste in a dish to this day; and most French people I know aren’t very fond of it either.
COOKING TECHNIQUES, APPLIANCES AND INNOVATIONS
In the 17th century, people pay more attention to how meat is cooked so it gives out its full flavor. An ancestor to the gas stove is invented, called a “potager” (a “potager” can be in French a patch of land where you grow vegetables, but at that time it’s also where you make a “potage”, which is a vegetable soup) that worked with cinders (basically you put cinders — taken from the chimney fire — in it to heat it up and then you could put your pans on top of it). Daubes (meat cooked in a pan, generally with red wine, for a long time) and ragoûts (meat cooked with vegetables, again for a long time) become common place. There’s also lots of roasted meat, cooked in the fireplace with a spit and a recipient called “lèche-frite” underneath to catch the dribbling cooked fat and juices (to be re-used in the sauce); the meats are cooked for a very long time. Fish, poultry, most meats were served whole; people spent a lot more time at the table eating than we do today.
SAUCES, CONDIMENTS AND VEGETABLES
Sauces are perfected too, in order to accompany meat, and fresh aromatic herbs replace the medieval spices: chervil, bay leaves, thyme, parsley (very popular, because also very decorative), chive, rosemary, tarragon. To give more flavour to the sauce you could also use the technique of reduction (wait for water to evaporize out of the sauce, which leaves a concentrated flavour behind) or make a jus, which is a kind of sauce that re-uses the juices escaped from the cooked meat to pour it back on top of it. In medieval times, sauces used to be thickened with bread; La Varenne replaced those bread sauces with roux (flour and butter added to broth) and he also replaced pig fat with butter; lots of eggs and cream were used too; so you can see that 17th century cuisine defined the bases of what we call French cuisine today.
Garlic is rejected by the aristocracy but can be consumed by lower classes (and is used in Gascony cuisine too). Smelling of garlic could indicate that you came from peasantry. Capers, anchovies and shallots are very appreciated; new vegetables are starting to be used (they have to be very fresh and harvested early): peas, asparagus, cucumber, cauliflower and artichokes. NO salads, and next to no vegetables are eaten raw (they even cooked cucumbers; stuffed them first then cooked them).
D’Artagnan is a noble and, as they say in the show, a farm boy (those two notions are actually compatible at the time, not all nobles were powdered prissy people as the cliché would have it). He also comes from the South-West of France, he’s a Gascon, and Gascons KNOW THEIR FOOD. So no, he wouldn’t eat the ancient equivalent of mac and cheese and hot dogs; he may be young and single, and no matter his BBC portrayal or what they did with him in the American adaptations, a credible d’Artagnan would have been raised to eat GOOD SHIT. He would take pride in dishes and produce that come from his home region and dismiss other regions’ variations on traditional recipes — I have to remind you he’s FRENCH, that kind of stuff is SRS BSNS to us, even (or maybe more so) in the 17th century. That doesn’t mean he’ll prepare them himself of course, I don’t think he would know how to (although I think he must know how to kill and pluck a goose, duck or chicken, skin a rabbit or a deer, even milk a cow; he’s a noble from the countryside, albeit not a rich one, he must have had a few servants but I can imagine that he and his father probably helped them out on the farm because they must not have had enough hands anyway — BBC!d’Artagnan seems to have good knowledge of farm animals, or at the very least horses, if we remember the line about setting the horse to a canter pace in episode 3, so we can assume he’s not afraid to get his hands in the dirt).
Gascony cuisine (“cuisine gasconne”) is actually a very famous type of cuisine in French tradition throughout centuries; Gascony is the land of “bien-vivre et bien-manger” (good living and good eating). Today we know it as South-West cuisine, which is based, then and now, on duck/goose fat (in opposition to Provençale cuisine - South, South-East of France — which uses mainly olive oil to cook, or Normandy cuisine (North-West of France), which cooks with butter). So lots of ducks and geese in Gascony cuisine, goose and duck confit (goose and duck cooked and preserved in their own fat), pâtés, terrines, sausages, foie gras, cured ham… Lots of venison, products of the hunt (mainly birds, like pigeons and larks).
Gascony is also near the sea so you also have sea food, like oysters, eel (eels were very appreciated, because their flesh is fat; they did love their eels pâté in those times)
And Gascons know their wine too. Not in a “Sideways” or connoisseur kind of way, you wouldn’t see d’Artagnan tasting wine and say “oh yes I can smell raspberry and humus and there’s a touch of vine leaves in it” or whatever so don’t do that in your fanfics, it’s not only OOC it’s historically inaccurate (the kind of wine they drank in that day was not the kind of wine we drink today anyway, most of the time it had to be cut with water to be drinkable at all, otherwise it was just too thick or too strong); they just know what’s *good* wine and what’s not.
As for typical vegetables in Gascony, you have sweet pepper (piment doux de Gascogne), beans, a lot of very good and refined mushrooms like ceps and truffles; nave, onions, cabbage…
CAREFUL THOUGH, no tomatoes and no potatoes! Even though they were around, they were considered toxic at the time and weren’t very much in use; so NO meat-and-potatoes menu!
So how do those Musketeers feed themselves if they want to eat good food (and not the one prepared by the cook in the musketeers barracks that we see in episode 4)? Well if they don’t have a cook of their own, they eat in hostels, mainly, or they go to other people’s places where they do have a cook (in the first book that’s what the boys do when they’re out of money: each one in turn, they call favours with (rich) friends of theirs to have dinner at their place, and they invite the other three guys of the gang along. D’Artagnan, being on his own in Paris, managed to find a Gascon priest and they apparently have teatime with chocolate at that priest’s place)
LET THEM HAVE CAKE
Okay so if you ever want to read GLORIOUS food porn, read at least the beginning of Act II of the play Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand, where one of the characters, Ragueneau, is a “maître-queux” (a cook and a pastry chef) and a poet (isn’t he the MOST RAD CHARACTER EVER???). At Ragueneau’s place, Rostand describes white peacocks (!!) on hooks, venison, hams suspended all around… and then begins a great choreography of sous-chefs bringing in piles of cakes: there’s brioche (a type of sweet French bread made with butter, milk, sugar and eggs, very moist and delicious, sometimes perfumed with orange flower blossom essence), petits-fours, fruits in nougat, flan, roinsoles (fried pastries filled with fish or meat), tarts, pies, a big masterpiece of a brioche in the shape of a lyre (!!!), decorated with glazed fruits and its cords are made of spun sugar (Ragueneau rewards handsomely the sous-chef who brings him that work of art because Ragueneau is awesome like that), pâtés (pâtés designated either the meat terrines or puff pastries filled with meat and sauce, a bit like Cornish pastries), choux filled with cream, gingerbread, poupelins (a type of delicate pastry made with butter, milk, eggs, flour, sugar and lemon zest) and finally, the most famous of them all because Ragueneau composed a brilliant and adorable poem about them, “tartelettes amandines”, almond-flavoured tartlets (if you ever put tartelettes amandines in your Musketeers fanfic, I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER).
In the 17th century the art of jam-making (yes! An art! Absolutely!) is also born, which produced compotes (fruit purée), gelées (jelly) and marmelades. Tea, coffee and hot chocolate start to become fashionable drinks.
So there, I hope this will help you if you ever want to make dishes as an homage to our boys the musketeers, or if you want a spot of food porn in your fanfics, or just if you want to know more about the history of French cuisine; at least I can say I had a lot of fun researching and writing this :)
Let’s not forget to acknowledge Alexandre Dumas this Black History Month
The writer of two of the most well known stories worldwide, The Three Musketeers and The Count of Monte Cristo was a black man.
Let’s not forget that he was played on screen by a white man. And the fact that he was black is barely ever mentioned or the book he wrote inspired by his experiences.
Other things not to forget about Alexandre Dumas:
- chose to take on his slave grandmother’s last name, Dumas, like his father did before him.
- grew up too poor for formal education, so was largely self-taught, including becoming a prolific reader, multilingual, well-travelled, and a foodie, resulting in his writing both a combination encyclopedia/cookbook (which just— is fucking outrageous to me) AND the adaptation of The Nutcracker on which Tchaikovsky based his ballet
- he also wrote a LOOOOT of nonfiction and fiction about history, politics, and revolution, bc he was pro-monarchy, but a radical cuss, and that got him in a lot of hot water at home and abroad.
- even beyond that, he generally put up with a lot of racist bullshit in France, so he went and wrote a novel about colonialism and a BLATANTLY self-insert anti-slavery vigilante hero (which he then cribbed from to write the Count of Monte Cristo, the main character of which, Edmond Dantés, Dumas also based on himself).
- (…a novel which also features a LOAD of PoC beyond the Count, and at LEAST one queer character, btw, bc EVERY MOVIE ADAPTATION OF ANYTHING BY DUMAS IS A LIE; seriously, at LEAST one of the four Musketeers is Black, y’all.)
- famously, when some fuckshit or other wanted to come at Dumas with some anti-Black foolishness, Dumas replied, “My father was a mulatto, my grandfather was a Negro, and my great-grandfather a monkey. You see, Sir, my family starts where yours ends.”
- for the bicentennial of his birthday, Pres. Jacques Cirac was like, “…sorry about the hella racism,” and had Dumas’s ashes reinterred at the Panthéon of Paris, bc if you’re gonna keep the corpses of the cream of the crop all together, Dumas’s more widely read and translated than literally everybody else.
- and they are still finding stuff old dude wrote, seriously; like discovering “lost” works as recently as 2002, publishing stuff for the first time as recently as 2005.
I was reading about Thomas Jefferson’s medical history and
Violent headache for two days after behaving awkwardly in front of a girl he fancied (March 1764, age 20)
I was reading my great grandmother’s high school yearbook from 1931 and there’s a comment about each student and they are so fucking sassy with their comments
“In Event of Moon Disaster”, July 18, 1969.
White House speechwriter, William Safire, was asked to write a speech that President Nixon would make in case the Apollo 11 astronauts were stranded on the Moon.
It was never delivered, and this speech was quietly tucked away into Nixon’s records.
Source: Nixon Library
"selfie culture" seems so tame by comparison when you realize that not only did old timey rich people spend a fortune commissioning artists to paint flattering images of them, they spent many hours sitting for these portraits
who’s the me generation now
#art museums are actually just full of renaissance selfies this post just changed my life
The niece of the great Mongol leader, Kubla Khan, Princess Khutulun was described by Marco Polo as the greatest warrior in Khan’s army. She told her uncle she would marry any man who could wrestle her and win. If they lost they had to give her 100 horses.
She died unmarried with 10,000 horses.-
(via Sandi Toksvig’s top 10 unsung heroines | Books | guardian.co.uk) (via aubade) (via onetruequeenofwesteros) (via stitchingatthecircuitboard) (via feministcrixus)
This is how I want to die. Unmarried, with 10,000 horses. There is no other way now.(via vrabia) (via pampoovey)
I always think of Canada as the lovechild of England and France after they had a drunken one night stand and England just left it to grow up with its big brother America who was like the rebel of the family.
this is 100% definitely what happened.